You, Me, and Depression Make Three.

On a Saturday in December a 19 year old kid hanged himself in his a garage.  By all accounts, he was a happy teenager, with a sparkling personality, loving parents and siblings, and tons of friends.  I didn't know him, but I do know his struggle...

Recently, on social media, I have come across some rather disheartening opinions and comments about depression and suicide.

And it's made me want to reach out in any way that I can-- so here is this blog.  It won't reach many people, but it may reach some.

There's a video circulating--a TED talk that's pretty insightful, and I'd definitely suggest you watch it if you have a minute.  (Find it here).  It's got some great insight about the way in which depression is taboo in our society-- many people don't understand it, are scared of it, or are embarrassed by it.

The embarrassment, I think, comes from a lack of knowledge or understanding about depression-- those who don't have it don't understand it (why can't this person just cheer up and make him or herself feel better like I do when I'm sad?), and those who do have it don't understand it (why can't I just feel better?), and the lack of understanding and sympathy/compassion just goes from there.

WebMD lists several causes of depression-- 

• Abuse. Past physical, sexual, or emotional abuse can cause depression later in life.
• Certain medications. For example, some drugs used to treat high blood pressure, such as beta-blockers or reserpine, can increase your risk of depression.
• Conflict. Depression may result from personal conflicts or disputes with family members or friends.
• Death or a loss. Sadness or grief from the death or loss of a loved one, though natural, can also increase the risk of depression.
• Genetics. A family history of depression may increase the risk. It's thought that depression is passed genetically from one generation to the next. The exact way this happens, though, is not known.
• Major events. Even good events such as starting a new job, graduating, or getting married can lead to depression. So can moving, losing a job or income, getting divorced, or retiring.
• Other personal problems. Problems such as social isolation due to other mental illnesses or being cast out of a family or social group can lead to depression.
• Serious illnesses. Sometimes depression co-exists with a major illness or is a reaction to the illness.
• Substance abuse. Nearly 30% of people with substance abuse problems also have major or clinical depression.

For the most part, I think most of us can understand many of these types of depression.  It doesn't seem abnormal for someone who is ill or who has experienced a major life event or conflict to be depressed.  It's certainly not unusual for someone who has lost a loved one to become depressed.

But, the cause I'd like to focus on is Genetics-- how depression can be passed from generation to generation, though no one really knows how or why.  This is the type of depression I want to talk about-- why?  Well, because it's the type of depression from which I suffer.

In his TED talk, Kevin Breel talks about the kind of depression that isn't "normal" to those who have never lived with depression.  To society, it's normal to be depressed when someone dies, or if we don't get a promotion at work, or when we perform poorly on an exam in school. But, there's another type of depression that is completely stigmatized in society: the "I'm depressed for no reason," depression.  This is the type of depression where everything in your life is fine-- or good, or fantastic--and you're still depressed.

So many times people will ask 'Why?  Why are you depressed?'  And a lot of times?  There is no 'reason.'  I just am.

This is the type of depression I have struggled with my entire life. Or, at least, for a very, very long time.  Even when there has been nothing wrong in my life, I have gone through times where it has been really hard for me to even get out of bed.

In face-to-face conversation, on Facebook, on Twitter, on blogs, I have seen so many people belittle depression-- they say it's for the weak, for people who just don't know how to move on, that they could get over it if they really wanted.  

People have expressed to me on numerous occasions that they don't really get depression.  

And, now, it's time for me to tell you that you're talking about me when you say these things-- and you always have been.

I'm not weak, I know how to move on, and let me tell you that there is nothing I'd rather do than "just get over it" when I'm depressive. And, yeah, I don't really get depression, either.  

Or, there's the question: how did his/her family and friends not know that this person was depressed enough to take his/her own life?

We always think we know what depression looks like.  It's the sad person, standing off from the crowd.  It's the person who never smiles, who never quite looks you in the eye.  Yes, sometimes, this is what depression looks like.  But, also, and often, depression also looks like the person who is always cracking jokes, who seems to be fairly comfortable in his or her own skin, the one smiling genuinely and looking you straight in the eye.  So, there's the question: how did you not know?

And the answer goes something like this:  When you're a depressed person, you often become very adept at hiding it.  A lot of this probably has to do with the way depression is treated in this society--as something only for the weak, as weakness in general.

And when I hear this--when I hear that people question how no one saw that someone who committed suicide was depressed--I think of myself.  I think of myself in high school (particularly around my senior year), and of myself in college (end of my junior year), and how no one really knew just how depressed I was.  

In college, my poetry teacher gave me a nickname-- "Happy."  And sometimes, I thought about killing myself.

Depression isn't weakness.  It's another way of being-- and until we stop perpetuating these stereotypes, people are going to be too scared and too embarrassed to seek the help that they actually need, or just talk about it in general.

So many times in my life I've been told what a bright personality I have, or how funny I am, or that I bring a sense of light to a situation-- and so many of those times I've been depressive, thinking about suicide, or not really caring whether I lived or died. And no one knew.  

And, as long as you go around perpetuating the stereotype that there is something wrong with being depressed, or with depressed people, I hate to break it to you, but you're part of the problem.

Yes, I am lucky, I am bound to amazing people in my life (my parents) who have always [sometimes unbeknownst even to them] pulled me back from those dark thoughts--and how thankful I am for them.

So, instead of attacking the depressed, or people who commit suicide, and their families for "not knowing," why don't we actively try to create a discourse?  To find ways of talking about depression in language that isn't hurtful or minimizing?  Don't judge-- instead, do your part to create a safe space, and a safe society so that people who suffer from depression (and believe me, we do suffer) can maybe take steps to get better without feeling embarrassed.