As We Sailed Into the Mystic

Some people have been asking me (or asked me at the wedding) about the song I walked down the aisle to. I've been giving a short answer--but I decided to give a longer one here, more for myself than for anyone else.  

The full story starts when I was a teenager--my parents and I were driving home from somewhere, and I was curled up in the backseat trying to sleep.  When we went on road trips, they usually played "my" music, or radio stations that I wanted to listen to.  But, this time, they were playing 'their' music. Bob Dylan came first, and I tried to sleep in the backseat, not really a Dylan fan (though now I definitely am). I would be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated--not only was I not listening to MY music, I was trying to sleep!  After the Dylan CD finished, they put in some guy I'd never heard of--I heard him singing, his semi-raspy voice filling the car. I'm sure I did more than my share of sighing and eye-rolling, until one song came on.  I remember hearing "Into the Mystic" for the first time with my eyes closed, the latch of the seat belt digging into my side. Something about this song just spoke to me--and I don't really know why or how that song connected with my teen-aged soul, I just know that it did.  Since then, I have always loved "Into the Mystic."

Flash forward to New Year's Eve 2009--I met my aunt Sherry and some of her friends in Solvang. She had been going through breast cancer treatment, and she had a few wigs to choose from.  As we were standing in the hotel room getting ready, music in the background, I heard the familiar sounds of "Into the Mystic" begin playing.  I immediately yelled "Turn it up, I LOVE this song!" Sherry turned and looked at me, her mouth slightly open, "Oh my god, Natalie! I love this song too!" Sherry and I were a lot alike in some ways--we looked so similar that when she put my school pictures on her desk, people asked if I was her daughter.  We were also very different in a lot of ways--she the extrovert, me the introvert.  But, every time we discovered another way in which we were alike, I could always count on an "Oh my god, Natalie!" from Sherry.  That night, on New Year's Eve, was one of my favorite moments-- and one I'll always treasure.

Sherry passed away in January of 2010, losing her fight with breast cancer as it metastasized in her brain.

In Grad School that year, I wrote this line in a poem I wrote about Sherry:

I think that every prayer I uttered into the mystic
went to the dark night sky
into the pocket of a thief


It was one of the first pieces of writing I sent Tom when we began talking-- and it was a poem he said he connected with.

Flash forward to our first date, and Tom and I are sitting in a darkened movie theater watching the movie "The 5 Year Engagement." During one of the scenes, a song begins to play--it's a cover, but it's instantly recognizable.  It's "Into the Mystic."  I can't control myself-- I start bawling in the theater, more than I should for the scene in the movie, and soon I'm crying so hard I can't stop.  I try to look away/conceal it, but I'm sobbing, and so of course Tom notices it, and he looks at me with concern, and I assure him that I'll explain it to him later. As we walk out of the movie theater, I do--telling him how much it reminded me of my aunt, and telling him the story of how that came to be.

But there is something I didn't explain: I considered it a sign.  Now, those who know me will know that aside from finding dimes and the occasional animal visitor (crow in my path, ladybug on my windshield), I'm not much for signs.  But I thought that this was one--that she saw me, that she was happy for me, that she was proud of me.

She always did say that she thought I would meet the person I'd marry at work (funnily enough, I always thought that too).

So, when it came time to pick a song to walk down an aisle at the end of which would stand Tom, the same boy from that first date, I looked at tradition.  The bridal march, Canon, and I considered them all.  But none of them felt right--so I searched harder.  I happened upon 2 instrumental versions of "Into the Mystic," and I thought I would use one of those.  When I played them for my mom, she liked them, but she suggested that I use the actual Van Morrison song--I instantly agreed. After all, it was my wedding, and I could choose whichever version of whichever song I wanted.

Now I will forever associate that song with my Aunt, my wedding day, and my dad singing along to the words "I wanna rock your gypsy soul" as we approached the end of the aisle.  I'll keep making memories with my aunt, even if she is no longer here--and everyone else I love who has passed for that matter.

Anyway, there it is-- the story of how I came to walk down the aisle on my one and only wedding day to Van Morrison's "Into the Mystic."

My Weight Loss Journey is Over

Losing weight for a wedding is easy.  Losing weight is never easy. 

This isn't my first blog post on weight (read the other one here). Who knows, maybe it'll end up being my last.  That'd sure be great. Weight is something I've struggled with since high school.  My weight would go up and down (usually based on how much soccer I was playing at the time).

To recap, I lost a ton of weight in college, and managed to keep it off throughout grad school.  But, then I hit 26 and my metabolism decided to lay down and die.  And I started dating a guy, and we ate out a lot, I suppose.  But, I'd kind of always done that.  I was essentially addicted to fast food for a very long time-- starting in probably middle school.

It was pretty much all I ate--even through grad school.  Even when I moved to LA and lived on my own-- it is so easy (no cooking, no dishes), and honestly it's pretty delicious.  But, study after study has shown that it's terrible for you.  It seemed I didn't care.  And then...I got engaged.  

And I set about the business of losing weight.  Which certainly wasn't easy.  In fact, it was pretty hard.  It wasn't until January that I really started getting serious about my weight loss. I joined weight watchers (which made me feel like an old woman), and that really helped! I lost like 15 pounds, and then hit a plateua for like a month where I wasn't losing anything.  So, I switched to low carb-- and I ended up losing a grand total of 23lbs.  I was 2lbs shy of my goal, but I would take it!

It was funny how easy small things were-- even walking around Disneyland in the heat minus 10lbs made things easier, which I found kind of fascinating.  Seeing myself every day, I didn't really think I had lost that much weight/it made that much of a difference.  But, then I showed an old picture of myself to a coworker (that was taken about a year ago, actually), and she was shocked at how much weight I'd lost.  Then, Tom found a picture of us going through the venue, and it became extremely clear how much weight I had actually lost. It was pretty apparent!  It's absolutely not necessary for women to lose weight for their wedding days, and I don't want it to seem like that's what I'm suggesting.  But it was imperative for ME to lose weight for my wedding day--and I'm so glad that I did. It enabled me to be confident in my gown on the wedding day, and I didn't even really spend that much time thinking about my arms. If you read one of my posts last month, you know how unusual that actually is.

Then the wedding came and went, and I munched down on burgers and fries that day, along with a few bites of some pretty delicious cupcakes. It tasted fantastic! After months of depriving myself, I was so happy to bite into that burger.  Then, on my honeymoon, I ate whatever I wanted as well-- in fact, one day all we ate were buffets!  We were treated to a buffet breakfast at our hotel each morning (thanks Costco Travel!), and we took full advantage of that.  

Long story short: I've been eating pretty much whatever I want for about 3 weeks now, and I am absolutely shocked to learn something...

I am absolutely ready to go back to eating healthy stuff.  I never thought I'd be in that place! I never thought I would crave NOT FAST FOOD.  And yet, here I am.  Planning a trip to the store to make sure I STOP eating fast food because... well, I just don't want it every day. Fast food, I think, is fine in moderation--it's okay to eat the occasional McDonald's or Taco Bell. But I have finally outgrown the desire/craving to have it every single day. It's actually funny how, when you stop eating it and start eating healthy, you essentially stop craving it.  I'm sure I'll always treat myself now and again (hello, weekends!), but I don't want to go back to the life of eating it every single day--even if I could still do it and remain skinny/fit.  It's time to look to the future for other things, and prepare myself. I can't eat like a teenager anymore--and I spent way more time eating like that than I should have to begin with.

That being said, I haven't stepped on the scale since the day of the wedding--and I'm not going to.  Not for a few weeks, anyway.  It's not about the scale, and I know if I step on that little device it will become about the scale.  I don't want that.  At the end of the day (and at the end of a life), it's simply not the number on that scale that matters.  I'm glad I lost the weight for my wedding, but I'm also tired of stepping on it with dread, and giving it the power to ruin my day, weekend, week, or month.  Nothing (and no one) should have that power over you.

My weight loss journey was rough--it took a long time to lose those 23lbs, and I don't want them back on.  But, my weight loss journey ends here.  It's time to start a new journey, instead. It's no longer a journey about weight--it's now a health/happiness journey.  Which, I think, is better.  And more sustainable.

Adventure 1: Wedding

Sooooo....

I got married! 

Here's a video of the nuptials-- part of them, anyway (Click the link if it won't play below):

Everyone kept saying what a whirlwind it would be, and that I wouldn't remember anything-- they were mostly right.

But, I also remember quite a bit.  I remember the nerves kicking in while I was getting my hair and makeup done.  I would go through waves of calm followed by intense bouts of nausea.  I remember checking the weather because it was overcast and seeing "0% chance of rain" in La Canada, and hearing news approximately 10 minutes later that it was, in fact, raining in La Canada.  I remember everyone telling me it was good luck if it rains on your wedding, to which I promptly responded 'that's just what they say because it's raining on your wedding day!' I remember thinking 'oh well, there's nothing I can do about it.' and letting it go (but also pushing for a backup plan--thank you Deb, for finding those clear umbrellas just in case!).  I remember the drive to the venue, listening to rap music to calm me down. I remember sitting in the bride's room with my dad trying to keep from crying because I was nervous, scared, happy, and sad.  I remember telling him that I don't want to grow up, but also knowing that was an impossibility.  I remember getting ready to walk down the aisle and realizing that I'd forgotten my bouquet and RUNNING through the venue to grab it.

I remember walking down the aisle, and my dad singing along.  I remember Katie, my maid of honor, reaching into her dress to pull out my vows.  I remember some of our vows, though I was so nervous, I have trouble remembering that part.  I remember walking down the aisle and stopping at the end to take a picture. I remember taking pictures and getting grumpy because it was pretty humid.  I remember our grand entrance, our first dance (which morphed from a slow love song into a group rick-roll featuring some fabulous dance moves).  I remember sitting at the sweetheart's table, and everyone coming up to us congratulating us--I remember biting in to the In N Out burger (after months of dieting and abstaining from In N Out, I have an especially vivid memory of this).  I remember the toasts from my parents--my mom trying not to cry during hers.  I remember the father daughter dance and how that's the hardest I cried the whole day.  I remember cutting the cake, and instead of feeding the first bite to Tom, I ate a bite myself, before proceeding with the tradition.  I remember jumping in and out of the photo booth all night.  I remember dancing, and having the time of my life.  I remember being too full to eat our delicious cupcakes (but having a few bites anyway).  I remember the impromptu send off, and the silly chants from everyone.  I remember the limo ride, which was supposed to stop at In N Out for milkshakes, but which we bypassed because we were so exhausted we just wanted to go home and see Cash.  I remember how excited Cash was to see me, and how sad I was to give him to my parents.

I remember, I'd say, quite a bit.  When I was first planning this wedding, I was concerned with the details-- with custom painted, hand stamped (each individual letter), laminated, bookmark escort cards.  With how to display those--with DIY centerpieces.  As time went on, I got less concerned with the DIY aspect, and was just struggling to finish everything.  During all of that, I never really stopped to think about what the wedding would actually be like.  I don't think the thought ever crossed my mind--but, even if it had crossed my mind, I don't think I could have predicted how much fun I would have.  People kept coming up to us telling us that it was the best wedding they'd ever been to--and maybe they were just being nice, looking for something to say--but I had so much fun at my wedding, it was more than I ever could have anticipated, ever could have expected.  When the day came, I was surprisingly calm about all of the little details--somehow recognizing (which is in-congruent with my personality) that it wasn't the little things-- the book placement for the centerpieces that would make the day special.  Instead, it was being surrounded by family and friends, and dancing like no one was watching (even though everyone was) that made the day special.















Advice for Brides:
1) Listen to other brides.  Seriously.  I heard the same thing from so many people/so many blogs, and I kind of ignored some of it.  Do not do this.  They are right.

2) Easy on the DIY.  It sounds like a really good idea when you fill your Pinterest board with stuff, or even when you think of your own ideas--and I'm sure they're all great ideas.  But decide on a few that are really important to you, and go with those.  Forget everything else.

3) DIY is not cheaper.  In fact, it's possibly more expensive if you consider your time.  There's the cost of supplies to make the stuff, and then the cost of making extra because you know you're going to mess at least one or 2 up.

4) If you ignore this (which you will), don't wait until the last minute.  Unless you craft often, this stuff will take a LOT of time.  Decide what's worth it.  (for me, it was the custom bookmarks).

5) Don't sweat the small stuff.  Seriously.  There's no point-- it will all get done, and if it doesn't it honestly won't matter on the big day.  Checklists, for me, became pretty obsolete.  Just make sure you have everything you need for the day of (dress accessories, jewlery, wedding rings, lipstick, deodorant--then you're good).

6) Find good vendors.  Use sites like weddingbee and yelp, and look for bad reviews.  On Weddingbee and Weddingwire you have to go to the end of the reviews to see the bad ones.  This can be helpful for giant companies that have thousands of reviews.  At first it seems like they have great reviews, and then you go to the end and you see nightmare stories.  Don't book anyone with nightmare stories.  If possible, use my vendors. (Tanori Photo, DJ Keelez, Light Up Video, TheBooth by NealPost Photography).  I can't sing the praises of my vendors enough-- everyone was fabulous from beginning to end (not just of the day, but of the whole process, and I cannot recommend them highly enough).

7) Go on a honeymoon.  Do not skip this-- I repeat, do not skip this.  You've spent so much time and effort planning, and getting away for awhile is important--and getting away together as husband and wife is important as well.


8) Have fun.  This is a once in a lifetime thing.  After the honeymoon is over, the post-wedding blues will set in and you'll realize how much fun you had, even if you spent the whole time being stressed about the custom matchbooks you decided to DIY.

Arm[or]

As you can probably tell from this photo, this is my arm.  I think that seems pretty clear, as does the fact that I'm pretty pale, which I've definitely mentioned before.  What's not immediately clear from looking at this picture (at least, I don't think that it is), is the complicated relationship I have with my arm.  Well, actually, arms.  For as long as I can remember, I've had this love/hate relationship with my arms.

I love them because they're arms, and they allow me to do all sorts of cool things like grab stuff, do cartwheels (maybe? I think I can still do those), do handstands (especially in the pool), and just generally live a normal day-to-day life. My arms are pretty awesome when I look at them from that light.  But there is also another light that I tend to look at my arms (and indeed my whole body/person/being) in, and it's one that's not so healthy.

Even when I was very tiny, I saw my arms as these massive things hanging from my body.  They've always just looked so fat to me. And with the weight gain (and even subsequent weight loss), that certainly has not changed.  In fact, it's to the point where--for nearly as long as I can remember (so, say 7 years or so now), I have worn a cardigan or cover-up (lace or shrug or what-have-you) over every single article of clothing I wear without sleeves. Sometimes even over clothes WITH sleeves.  And I have done so for one express purpose: to cover up my meaty arms.  This practice knows no seasonal bounds.  Even at the company picnic a couple years back which was held in June on what was predicted (and which was, I believe) the HOTTEST DAY OF THE YEAR IN LOS ANGELES (where I live), I could be found wearing a cute little romper, strapless by nature... with a lace shrug (surprisingly warm) covering up the upper half of my body.  I was SO HOT. And, yet, that lace shrug stayed exactly where it was.  Why?  My arms! Heaven forbid anyone see them in their natural habitat, occupying space.

In pictures, I try everything in the book-- arching the arm away from the body so that the fat ever-present on my arm doesn't smoosh together.  And it rarely works, usually when I look at a picture, my gaze goes directly to my arms. And the lament starts 'WHYYYYY do I have to have such large arms?!' etc., etc., etc. 

So, I'm not really sure what possessed me to pick out a STRAPLESS wedding dress, back in November, but I did.  I suppose my thoughts were along the lines of: I'll be losing weight! My arms will be skinnier by then, I will TONE THEM.  Which, I have-- the first part of that, anyway.  I have lost weight.  I've lost nearly 20 pounds now. (not counting the 3 I gained in Vegas this past weekend for my bachelorette party because I fully plan to lose those). But, I have lost weight--and yet. Yet, the fact remains, that I still am annoyed at my arms.  But, the marriage is coming now... in just a couple days over 2 weeks, and I have nothing set to cover my arms.

Thus has begun my experiment--over the past few weeks I've been wearing things without cover-ups over my arms; a romper (different than the aforementioned), a tank top, and a strapless dress at my bachelorette party.  And I only took my cardigan off in LAS VEGAS when it became unbearable.  So, I guess you could say that it went moderately well, but I was still super self-conscious, especially in pictures.  

There are so many little things that we long to change about ourselves, that we wish were different-- and I wonder why?  I don't do that to or about other people (for the most part). I don't look at my friends and see what they should change about themselves--when I hear the same criticisms coming from their mouths, I tell them they're wrong.  That they're beautiful no matter what--no matter the circumference of their arms, their waist, their thighs, their necks.  And what's more? I believe it.  I'm not lying--it's true. So, why then can't I give the same courtesy to myself? Why, when I see the picture of me with the guys from Thunder from Down Under do I stare at my arms (which look SUPER PALE next to those tanned fellas, by the way) and lament that they, Natalie's arms, are the TRUE thunder?  Guess it's good I've started practicing...

But, even now, with all of my "practice" I'm still terrified I'll get the wedding pictures (that we are paying a pretty penny for) back and think 'wow, my arms look huge' in every single photo and be unable to enjoy them or display them because of this.  I hope not-- I hope I think nothing of the sort when we get them back.  But, I know myself.  And that thought process--the one that just spirals into negativity and out of control--is super hard to contain when it comes to my own self image.

But, it's too late now: the dress is strapless.  So, me and my arms will see you at the wedding, where we hope to be feeling more at peace with one another.

DIY Bridal Party Notebook Tutorial

DIY Wedding Party Notebook Tutorial

Okay, so, this is the easiest thing in the world.  So easy, in fact, that I do not think it should be called a Tutorial.  But, it's my blog, and I can do what I want.

Anyway, for those who don't know, I like to make lists.  I like to make grocery lists, packing lists, outfit lists, lists at work, etc., etc. They help me stay organized.  Also, for those who don't know, I'm getting married soon. In fact, it's in just a little over 5 months.

So, needless to say, I've been making a lot of lists lately. And, recently, I found these old used Moleskine notebooks I bought, and ripped the pages out, and decided to make my own little book! I had visions of writing my little lists in it, making the cover all cute, etc. But, the Becky Bloomwood in me (I've been reading the Shopaholic series lately) spoke up and said "Natalie, you can't use these old Moleskine notebooks, the color is slightly distorted on the front! You need to go out and get new Moleskine notebooks!' Well, within a half hour of having that conversation with myself, I found myself at Target, where I happened across the PERFECT find for such a thing: WHITE Moleskine notebooks. A 2 pack.  Perfect! Then I thought, "hey, there's an extra one! You could make one for your maid of honor!" Of course, that was a brilliant idea! So, then I decided to make one for each member of the bridal party! I found a little 3 pack of pastel ones, and snatched them up!

So. Here it is... the "Tutorial":

What you'll need:
1) 2 pack Moleskine Volant notebooks (white)
2) 3 pack Moleskine Cahier notebooks (pastels) 
             (note: actual number depends on size of your bridal party)
3) Cute letters! I used ones I already had from another little wedding party thing I did, plus bought a couple new ones. Obviously they have these at Target or Michaels or wherever.
4) An understanding bridal party, because these haven't been tried & tested yet, and honestly some of the puffy letters might fall off.

Anyway, you basically stick those bad boys on the notebook, and voila! You've got your cute little notebooks.  Some suggestions how your girls should use them are:

-Lists.
-Appointments
-Dresses.
-How much they love/hate you depending on the day.
-Tossing in a drawer and never using, and finally throwing it out 3 years later.

Honestly, it's pretty versatile!  You can even put the date of the wedding on the back like I did! Though, be forewarned, there are surprisingly few numbers in a pack of letters, and since each date will be the same, you'll run out pretty quickly. So, buy a couple extra packs, or buy some all number packs. If you decide to do this, that's definitely the number one takeaway. Also, that puffy letters won't stick as well (especially to the Volant notebook) as flat sticky letters will.

Also, things that will not make a difference in whether your letters stay on/still look pretty: 

Gorilla Glue
Regular glue stick

Other than that, take a chance on these babies! They could be really cute, or your girls could end up with notebooks that eventually say 'DE M I D' - you never know until you try! Check out the pics, and maybe check back to see how they hold up. And keep an eye out for when I launch my new DIY blog "shit that's so easy, it might not work."

Backs of the Notebooks - date of the wedding!

I'm Engaged!

Okay, so, I know I usually use this blog to talk about larger issues that I think will be of importance or fascination to other people (and maybe sometimes I fail miserably, and no one cares--whatever). The point is that I'm going to deviate from that today, and share something that is entirely personal that only belongs to me:

I'm engaged!

Last Friday, I came home to a scavenger hunt that ended with a proposal, and two promises that will begin a lifetime together. How crazy! So, after celebrations and congratulations are through, it will be time to plan a wedding.

Being a planner by nature (seriously, I'm not good at spontaneity), I already want to have everything planned yesterday, even though we haven't even been engaged for a week yet.  I already know that planning this wedding will pose some struggles for me.  It's going to be really hard to just relax and enjoy the process, though that is what I am, more or less, absolutely determined to do. We'll see how that goes, though.  I can already feel the stress bearing down on me--there are so many things to plan. 

Also, so many pounds to lose.  I've been "trying" to lose weight for awhile now--on August 4th, I joined a three month weight loss competition at my place of employment, and while I was trying, I wasn't really trying.  Now, aside from the $2,000 cash prize for first place (and not having to give up $100 of my hard earned cash), I have a new incentive: fitting into a wedding dress!

So far this week, I've walked over 6 miles (choosing to walk to work today), and I was sick on Monday.  So, I'm hoping I can stick with it, and shed all the pounds I've been meaning to by the big day... or the last fitting!