That Time a [Former] Teacher Blocked Me

I remember the moment very vividly. I was sitting cross legged on a pull out bed, and I was on vacation with my mom.  (Who, by the way, woke me up every day at 8am to watch animal videos she found on Facebook). Anyway, I was scrolling through my Facebook feed when I saw it.  Someone had tagged a former teacher of mine in a post, and I realized I couldn't click the name.

I remembered a few months ago searching for this teacher on Facebook, and being unable to find her.  I was sad, but assumed she must have deleted her Facebook account.  I may have even messaged another former teacher to tell that first teacher I said hello, or possibly even sent an email to her school email account. I'm not really sure, I can't remember that detail now.

Never, in my wildest dreams did I imagine that she--someone I thought of as a mentor to me during high school--had blocked me. But, sitting in that hotel room, I knew that's what happened. I tried to search again, to be sure, and nothing. I logged in from another account, and was able to see her--that's when I knew for sure, without a doubt, she had blocked me. That information hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I distinctly remember my mom asking me what was wrong, and I tried not to cry as I told her "Mrs. _____ blocked me on Facebook." My mom didn't remember her, but she could tell I was upset, "Don't let it bother you." She told me, no doubt knowing that was futile--everything bothers me.  I searched through this old teacher's profile for the last post I remembered seeing, and then tried to correlate it with something controversial I had posted on my Facebook around that time. I really could find nothing, and I started to cry.

Now, it didn't ruin our vacation or anything even close to that, but it bugged me for awhile.  It's no secret that I am a very sensitive person, and so having someone block me on Facebook might sting no matter what.  But, this person was a mentor, someone I really looked up to in high school, someone who wrote me a letter of recommendation for college, someone I named in a blog post about good teachers, so it felt even worse--felt even more personal. Never mind that 8 or 9 years had passed since I was even in high school, and I had become a much different person than I was back then (this teacher probably had, too).

But it still bothered me. I couldn't fathom what I had done to make her block me--and, you know? I still can't.  Sometimes I still see her tagged, and I think 'I wonder what I did?' But then, something else comes to mind: I don't care.  I really genuinely do not care anymore what I did, or even that she blocked me in the first place.  Which is actually kind of a revelation.

You see, my whole life I have been a people-pleaser. As far back as I can remember, I remember being (and enjoying being) the teacher's pet.  I was kind to teachers, I looked up to them, and just like [most] everyone else, I wanted them to like me (and often wanted them to like me the best).  Now, whether they did or did not like me the best isn't really the point (and, I really don't know/care now whether they did or not). But, truth be told, I was a good student--and I loved school, so teachers held a special spot in my mind--they were on a pedestal.  In high school I used to debate with family members telling them that teachers should make way more money than they make (I still believe they should).  At several points, I even wanted to be a teacher.  So, even 8 or 9 years later, being blocked by a teacher I really liked in high school genuinely bothered me.

But it also taught me a couple of lessons-- we are not who we were 8 or 9 years ago.  None of us are.  And knowing why I was blocked doesn't really matter in the long run.  Who I was then is a part of who I am now, but I don't have to let it rule--I don't have to be that same girl who seeks approval from her teachers (past, present, or future. Or even from her peers--but maybe that's a different blog). And it's okay if these people don't approve of me, even if they did at one time.  People are allowed to change.

Social media is really great sometimes.  It allows you to keep in touch with people you wouldn't have otherwise, and some days I am thankful for it (other days, I swear I'll delete it).  And if the day ever comes where I do hit that little delete button, I'll probably be relieved, and yet thankful for the lessons it taught me.

Had that teacher not blocked me, I might never have learned that it's okay if I leave the past in the past.  She and I were close (ish) a very long time ago, and she was a pretty good teacher most of the time, but that time has come and gone--and that's okay.  I'm different now, and truth be told, I like who I am now a hell of a lot better than I like who I was then--and if that teacher, for whatever reason, decided the opposite was true? Oh well.  I haven't lost anything except another reason to cling on to the past.

And, as sad as I was for a few days, the truth of the matter is this:

How I feel about the blocking now (and, indeed, all blockings)

So, thank you, Teacher, wherever you are--for the past, and for the present. For the lesson it taught, I am happy to not know you now.

Social Media Infiltration

I've been getting annoyed with myself lately.  Every time I have a moment of spare time, I find myself picking up my phone.  I find myself absent-mindedly scrolling through Facebook, refreshing the feed, and scrolling some more.  After that, I check Instagram, then maybe Twitter, then maybe Timehop to see what my activity on social media was this year, then back to Facebook again.  

This wouldn't be so bad if I only did it once a day--if I only picked up my phone at the end of the day to see what went on, and then put it down.  But, I don't.  I grab my phone repeatedly throughout the day, night, and it's the first thing I do when I get up in the morning. If I'm watching Hulu, and there's an ad break? Check Facebook.  Boring part of a show I'm watching on Netflix? Facebook.  Waiting in line at Chipotle? Check Facebook.  Waiting in line anywhere? Check Facebook. And the funny thing? I'm not even really sure what I'm checking for! Ah, Social Media (read my other post on social media here).

In college, social media like Facebook and MySpace (I loved MySpace, and was one of the last holdouts on the MySpace front), was super fun! I would sit down at my computer (I had a desktop back then) after class or after dinner at the commons, and check to see what was going on. Maybe I'd post a few bulletins, do a couple of surveys, and then I'd relax on my bed--read, do homework, go out with friends to Target or for frozen yogurt.  It was fun back then to be connected via social media.

But, that all changed when you could start carrying social media around in your pocket--at least, I think that's when it all changed for most people.  Sure, some people were addicted to the internet back in the day--but how many people could just NOT log out of the "Bored" chatroom on AOL? Probably not many. Social media was a fun thing you did to pass maybe a few minutes a day--sometimes an hour on the weekend. But, now? It's turned into this ravenous monster that apparently just won't stop eating things--eating time with friends, family, pets. I see car commercials that have features where you can check Facebook while you're driving. And it's insane--and if I had that car, I would probably use it. (Let's keep it real, I'm not on a high horse here about social media, I use it too much, which is what sparked this post--but at least I realize it).

Awhile ago, a video was going around about how Social Media takes from our lives, and it urged people to put the phone down. I saw tons of people sharing this on my newsfeed, and I just had to laugh at the irony. Thousands of people watched a video on how we should STOP posting on social media constantly and live our lives, and the FIRST THING these people who watched the video did was what? Go on a hike, bike ride, walk, run? No. Posted to social media. So, I was a bit of a troll in that regard when that video came out. And I still am--the people I saw post that are the people that I see updating social media the most. Maybe it really spoke to them, I'm not sure.

The fact of the matter remains: I have become increasingly disgusted with myself over my use of social media. It's to the point where, if I'm eating dinner with Tom, and he gets up to use the restroom, I pull out my phone. Heaven forbid I just sit there enjoying the ambiance/experience of life. 

I always say that I feel really lucky to have grown up when I did--the internet was a thing, but it wasn't THE thing. I went outside and played (when I wasn't in my room reading, of course), and when the internet came around, I played on that too--AIMing with people, going into chat-rooms, but logging off at the end of the day. And I still feel that way--I still feel lucky that I grew up that way, but I feel mad at myself that I can't sit in a restaurant by myself for a few minutes. And I think to myself (as I'm doing it): what would I do if I didn't have a phone? Like back in the day, when we didn't have them (at least, not to the extent that we do now)? Sure, maybe I would have been a little bored for a few minutes--but I would also have been engaged in the world around me instead of scrolling like a mindless idiot looking at things that just don't matter.

I remember when I was little, a friend and I went to Disneyland--we were waiting in line for Space Mountain (my mom was waiting on a bench at the end), and all through the line we were playing patty-cake games (not sure if that's the correct term)--but you know "Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack... All dressed in black, black, black..." THE WHOLE TIME. Different songs, but literally the entire time. And it was a long wait. And we annoyed everyone around us. In fact, we were so annoying that these two older teenage girls got mad at us and we were convinced they wanted to beat us up after the ride, so we ran through the exit to my mom on the bench. They probably wouldn't have beaten us up, but still. Not really the point, I guess.  

The point is that when I go to Disneyland now, and I'm waiting in line, I'm scrolling on my phone. And I see kids my age scrolling on their phones, or playing with their iPads, and it kind of makes me sad--like how we can't just be together anymore without this *thing* between us. If I were standing behind 2 little girls who sang songs throughout the entire wait of a line for a ride, I'd want to smack them by the end, I'm sure--but, I'd also secretly be happy. Because I can't help but think that's how it should be--that's how we should be.

Social media is a game changer, that's for sure--but it isn't THE game. It's just A game. It should be a very small part of our lives, but it's increasingly becoming the largest part of our lives. At least, I know this is true for me. And I don't want it to be.

I don't know why I need to take a picture of everything (Pics or it didn't happen! I guess?), but I pull my phone out a lot for pictures. Brunch! Traffic! Disneyland! It becomes more about getting pictures to document that it happened than actually enjoying the experience. So, when Tom and I had the opportunity to go to 2 concerts a couple of weeks ago, I made a conscious effort to be on my phone minimally. I could see people in the front holding their phones up the entire time, videoing the experience. To watch later? To post on the internet? Not really sure. But, I was determined to not be like them. I took a few pictures, a few selfies with Tom, and one small video per concert. For Mumford & Sons, the chorus of the song that made me adore them.  For Incubus, the chorus of the song that Tom listened to over and over again. And that was it. For the rest, I put my phone away, and had the experience.  Tom and I were also pretty good at this on our Honeymoon--a few pictures to say "we were here!" but not a picture of every single thing we did.

And that's how I want to live my life--a few pictures to look back on later, but focusing on enjoying the experience instead of documenting it. I want to make memories, not social media updates/posts.*

*Sentiment does not apply to the line for my DMV appointment on Friday.

It has not escaped me that this post is being advanced through and hosted on Social Media, but oh well. Nobody does chain letters anymore, and there's less of a hand cramp involved.  Well, I suppose there are newfangled chain letters: Like this post if you agree, share if you agree, comment if you agree--go outside and live your life without your phone if you agree. That's where I'll be. 

The Great Truth of Social Media

Ah, Social Media.  It is quite the fickle friend, isn't it?  Some days, it's really exciting to have all of these ways of keeping in touch with people, of meeting people we wouldn't have met otherwise. Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, etc.--All of these sites allow people to engage with each other in ways we probably otherwise wouldn't. 

Recently, there has been a stigma concerning social media--those who abstain from social media (yes, these people do exist) lament that just because you have 650 friends on Facebook doesn't mean you have any friends in real life--or that you're well-liked.  All it means, they say, is that you have a large social network on Facebook. You probably don't even know some of these people, they insist.  While these people almost invariably come off as bitter, sure, that is sometimes the case.  For me, I can tell you exactly how I know every single one of my 'friends' on social media, and I can probably tell you an anecdote or two about each of them.  And, yes. I do spend the majority of my Friday nights alone, but even before social media sites like Facebook and Twitter, and even MySpace were invented, that was the case. I like alone time. #aintnothinwrongwiththat.  So, maybe they're right, I don't know.  But, maybe they're not.

I've even heard people categorize social media.  You know, the old 'Facebook is for people I know in real life, but don't like, and Twitter is for people I like, but don't know in real life.' And, maybe for some, this is true.  But, no matter how we use social media, most of us are trying to put our best foot forward.  This has been criticized in various places, I'm sure we have all read/heard this before-- 'you only post selfies of you that look good!' To that I say, 'so what?!' Long before social media existed, we wanted to hide pictures of us that weren't so great. The invention of the digital camera was great for that. 'I don't like this photo of myself!' Delete, and retake. Even before the invention of the digital camera, people would hide the photos of them that weren't so great in a photo box, but put the better pictures in an album under the coffee table.  'You only post selfies of you that look good!' is the equivalent of walking into someone's house, looking at the pictures on the wall/on display, and exclaiming with disdain 'you only display the pictures of you that look good!'

Of course people only post pictures of themselves that look good. Why is this a negative thing?  Should we all post pictures of us that look terrible?  That I just don't get.  It was very hard for me to post the picture I posted on my previous entry--no one likes putting pictures of themselves out in the world where they feel they don't look their best.

Beyond just looking our best on social media, many of us choose to try to put our best foot forward in other aspects, too. We only post the positive things that happen to us--positive thoughts, feelings, expressions--#100DaysOfHappiness.  In fact, I began taking part in 100 Days of Happiness on Instagram, but eventually quit because I realized it didn't make me happy.  Most days, I was searching for something that wasn't lame that made me happy.  Most days, cuddling with my dog and drinking an icy cool fountain drink of diet coke makes me happy.  But, I thought, these were too lame for Instagram.  Too lame for my friends posting group pictures of their friends/cool things they did in their day, trips they took.  I wake up, get a diet coke, go to work, come home, watch Netflix, with little variation. Sometimes I go to the gym, sometimes I don't go to work. Participating in the 100 Days of Happiness challenge made me less happy, and more stressed. So, I stopped, and continued posting pictures of my dog or other random things-- basically, the same stuff I post on Facebook.

But, what I don't often post are my sad thoughts--my problems, my fears, my boredom.  Except in this blog-- I kind of think of this blog as a no-holds-barred kind of thing. I talk about whatever I want in here, I talk about unhappiness, depression, things that have happened.  No one wants to read about these things in their news feeds on a day to day basis.  In fact, I have seen more than one person threaten to delete people as friends if they see more than one or two negative things in a relatively small time period.  I understand the sentiment--seeing someone whining constantly isn't fun, it isn't what we are all on social media for, is it? 

But, then, why are we on social media?  To keep in contact? To see how everyone's life is going?  To tell everyone how our own lives are going? To put all the good things that happen to us out for the world to see, while covering up the bad?  Who knows. I guess the reasons are different for everyone.

There was recently a short film depicting this interesting paradox--how some of us lie on social media, paint over the ugly parts in our lives, and how when we stop doing that, if we are honest about things, no one wants to talk to us, see what is going on with us. (You can watch it here).  There's also a short film that implores us to put down our phones, and walk away from social media, because we are missing the human connection part of life. (You can watch that one here).

But, the thing of it is: I don't think we are.  I think that people, whether it's over social media, or in real life/person, don't want to hear about your problems, unless they truly care about you.  I remember this one Mock Trial trip in college--we were in a small hotel room, hashing out some team issues.  One girl, who I always thought of as a friend, looked at me and said "No one cares, Natalie." About the fact that I didn't sleep at all the night before, and had gotten pretty repetitious about that fact (which happens to me when I'm exhausted).  And, that, right there, is the truth. 

No one cares.  That is why we don't want to see negative things on Facebook. That is why we threaten to delete people if they break our 'no negativity rule.'  If it's our mother, our sister, our brother, our actual friend, we care more.  But, if it's an acquaintance we haven't seen in years, we just don't care.

And, that's kind of sad.  There are studies now saying that social media fuels depression--some posit it's because everyone else's life seems so great in comparison to our own.  Some posit that it's because we post statuses and pictures and don't get enough 'likes.' Maybe it's some combination of both, maybe it's one instead of the other--or maybe it's because we know that people don't care.

For me, I don't try to put my best foot forward--at least, not on this blog.  And, truthfully, it doesn't bother me when people slip and have a negative moment-- life isn't always rainbows and butterflies and donuts--sometimes, life isn't fun.  And there are people I know who live through depression, and post about it, and I don't scroll by and roll my eyes-- I respond.  Because maybe that's what they need. Maybe it isn't... But, maybe it is.

And more than I want to see positivity on my news feed on Facebook, I want to see real life--stress, happiness, sadness, joy, life, with its many ups and downs--you don't need to be afraid of sharing your 'downs' with me, though I sincerely hope that all of my friends have more ups than downs.